"I have been working on this show for three WEEKS!"

This is almost definitely fake (the quality is just a little too good), but I love Paul Rudd, I love ex-State castmembers and I love meltdowns.

And dear, sweet Jesus. If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to grab a broom and just fuck shit up...

Lost (Wednesday, 3/28)

Thank you, Lost. Thank you for not completely letting me down like I feared you would. I knew there was going to be a death in this episode, but such promises have disappointed me in the past (for example, Kate is still alive) so I wasn't holding my breath. Then in the first ten minutes, BAM! Nicky's dead. Then BAM! Paulo's dead too! Hell yeah.

I had been dreading the Nicky and Paulo episode because I was angry at Lost for throwing in more stupid characters that they wanted me to care about. It was bad enough when they tagged along with Locke and the gang, but now they were getting their own episode? Lame. Except it totally wasn't, because they totally ate it!

We saw their backstory in which it turned out that they were eeevil and killed a dude for a sack full of diamonds. What was kind of awesome about this was that it allowed Lost to have kind of a clip show and bring back Shannon (with a terrible wig) and Boone for no real reason--not that I'm complaining. I love me some Shannon and Boone. We also find out that it wasn't some sort of murder-suicide thing that killed Nicky and Paulo, even though that seemed to be where the episode was leading. Instead, they both got bitten by spiders that slow down your heart rate and cause paralysis--meaning THEY WEREN'T DEAD. THEY WERE ONLY PARALYZED!

The effects of the venom only made them appear to be dead, so their asses got buried alive. Talk about a freakin' twist. The whole thing reminded me very much of the old Alfred Hitchcock Presents TV show. It was creepy as all hell and extremely well done.

Even though this was a stand-alone episode and we didn't necessarily advance the plot in a big way, it was too good to merit a complaint. Plus hardly any Kate! It doesn't get better than that on Craphole Island.

Harry Potter Book Jacket Art!

Wooooo! Scotsman.com has the new Harry Potter cover art. This is for the UK children's edition of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. This will be different from the UK Adult version, which will (more than likely) still be different from the US version. Still. This is pretty freakin' sweet.

The last installment of the Harry Potter series is set to be released on July 21. That's less than three months away, for those of you who are too busy peeing your pants to do math.

Somebody's going to die! I kind of think it'll be Harry. What do you think?

American Idol (Tuesday, 3/27)

Awesome. Just freakin' awesome. I still can't be bothered to watch the show (after all, it would cut into valuable Law & Order Tivo-ing, and that is just unacceptable) but I check the YouTube to see what glory I have missed.

Last night Gwen Stefani filled the role most often inhabited by artists who end up on those compilations that Regis Philbin shills at three in the morning. She immediately regretted her decision to become Idol coach for a day when she realized that these kids would actually be singing her songs. Poor Gwen. At the beginning of the Sanjaya clip, the look on her face as she's talking about her experience with him is basically, "Fuuuuuck. What did I get myself into? Are people going to see this? Yes? #1 show in America? Fuuuuuuck."

Stefani's misgivings were clearly nothing more than the result of an artist being unnecessarily over-protective of her work. Because, really. The dude rocked it.

Okay, not really. But he's the cock of the walk!

I love how even Simon can't even be bothered to offer criticism or say anything mean at all. They've just surrendered to the Sanjayamania. Nobody's even pretending that he's in it for the singing anymore. To him, American Idol is nothing more than an extended audition for Hair Show 2: Faux-Hawktric Boogaloo.

The Amazing Race (Sunday 3/25)

There's really not much to say about the latest episode of Amazing Race: All-Stars. CBS almost fucked me again, but I happened to actually be home so I was able to catch the entire episode. All I got from it was basically...eh. This season just doesn't have much going for it now that Rob and Amber have been kicked off. They were pretty much the only team who consistantly played smart and didn't devolve into petty bickering or sniping. They ran each leg as best as they could without focusing or relying on the other teams---something which plagues the majority of racers in any given season. Unfortunately, they hit a run of bad luck and couldn't make their way out of it.

So the important part of this episode and the one that I missed last week is that Charla and Mirna are completely insane and insist on speaking broken English to foreigners. They also don't know the meaning of words, as is evidenced by the clip below.



Oh, and also, your cranky grandparents got kicked off.

Celebrity Sighting (Saturday 3/24)

I don't hang out in fashionable places or Newark Airport, so I rarely have celebrity sightings anymore. I have movie sightings fairly often; Jodie Foster filmed The Brave One in my neighborhood last summer and within the past few weeks I've run into two separate shooting locations for The Bourne Ultimatum, but the only people I ever saw were pissed off teamsters and harried assistants.

As I was walking around downtown on Saturday after a show at The Ace of Clubs, I saw just enough drunk blondes in too-high heels teetering around the street to know that the time was ripe for a good celebrity sighting. So who was delivered to me? Well, if you haven't already guessed by the picture, it was Naomi Watts impregnator Liev Schriber.

Oh, Liev. With the impronounceable name and the serious acting and the four episode arc on CSI. The guy who, to most, looks vaguely familiar at best and only prompts me to go "oh my god, oh my god, yeeeee!" In my head, of course. I've had a mad crush on him ever since I was babysitting a coworker's kid in high school and saw Denise Calls Up on Showtime. He was ridiculously hot then and was ridiculously hot as he rushed down the street alone talking on his cell phone.

Just a side note: When you're trying to explain who he is to your friends, yelling out "RKO 281!" doesn't help.

Grey's Anatomy (Thursday, 3/22)

Okay, so this may be a little late, but Grey's Anatomy is an especially difficult show for me to talk about. Don't get me wrong, I love it. It's one of my favorite shows on television right now. But, like anyone I love, it pisses me off at times.

Thursday's episode, while not mind-blowing, was pretty solid. I like what they've been doing with Alex lately, namely caring for Jane Doe and being the one intern at Seattle Grace not having an inappropriate relationship with a superior. You guys can make eyes at each other all you want. Seriously, Addison is scorching hot.

What I don't like is what they are doing to my two favorite characters on the show: Izzie and George. They slept together? Seriously? And George doesn't remember it? Seriously? And Izzie is in love with George? Ser--okay. We kind of get that one. But the problem is, we get it on a personal level, but not on a "this is better for the show" level. We already had a "we love each other, but this pesky marriage and commitment thing is getting in the way" storyline with McDreamy and McBrittle Bone Disease. Granted, George and Izzie are way more likable, but still. You're not fooling anyone.

I'm a big fan of platonic male/female relationships. I've had many throughout my life and I really resent those people who say they cannot exist. What I loved about the George and Izzie relationship was that there was zero chance of them exploring each other's naughty bits. She could be fiercely protective of him and he could help her through her problems--without tongue. Now that's ruined. Even if they come to their senses and don't fall in love or whatever, they can never go back to that place and Grey's Anatomy lost its most authentic and relatable relationship.