Friday, March 30, 2007

"I have been working on this show for three WEEKS!"

This is almost definitely fake (the quality is just a little too good), but I love Paul Rudd, I love ex-State castmembers and I love meltdowns.

And dear, sweet Jesus. If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to grab a broom and just fuck shit up...

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Lost (Wednesday, 3/28)

Thank you, Lost. Thank you for not completely letting me down like I feared you would. I knew there was going to be a death in this episode, but such promises have disappointed me in the past (for example, Kate is still alive) so I wasn't holding my breath. Then in the first ten minutes, BAM! Nicky's dead. Then BAM! Paulo's dead too! Hell yeah.

I had been dreading the Nicky and Paulo episode because I was angry at Lost for throwing in more stupid characters that they wanted me to care about. It was bad enough when they tagged along with Locke and the gang, but now they were getting their own episode? Lame. Except it totally wasn't, because they totally ate it!

We saw their backstory in which it turned out that they were eeevil and killed a dude for a sack full of diamonds. What was kind of awesome about this was that it allowed Lost to have kind of a clip show and bring back Shannon (with a terrible wig) and Boone for no real reason--not that I'm complaining. I love me some Shannon and Boone. We also find out that it wasn't some sort of murder-suicide thing that killed Nicky and Paulo, even though that seemed to be where the episode was leading. Instead, they both got bitten by spiders that slow down your heart rate and cause paralysis--meaning THEY WEREN'T DEAD. THEY WERE ONLY PARALYZED!

The effects of the venom only made them appear to be dead, so their asses got buried alive. Talk about a freakin' twist. The whole thing reminded me very much of the old Alfred Hitchcock Presents TV show. It was creepy as all hell and extremely well done.

Even though this was a stand-alone episode and we didn't necessarily advance the plot in a big way, it was too good to merit a complaint. Plus hardly any Kate! It doesn't get better than that on Craphole Island.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Harry Potter Book Jacket Art!

Wooooo! has the new Harry Potter cover art. This is for the UK children's edition of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. This will be different from the UK Adult version, which will (more than likely) still be different from the US version. Still. This is pretty freakin' sweet.

The last installment of the Harry Potter series is set to be released on July 21. That's less than three months away, for those of you who are too busy peeing your pants to do math.

Somebody's going to die! I kind of think it'll be Harry. What do you think?

American Idol (Tuesday, 3/27)

Awesome. Just freakin' awesome. I still can't be bothered to watch the show (after all, it would cut into valuable Law & Order Tivo-ing, and that is just unacceptable) but I check the YouTube to see what glory I have missed.

Last night Gwen Stefani filled the role most often inhabited by artists who end up on those compilations that Regis Philbin shills at three in the morning. She immediately regretted her decision to become Idol coach for a day when she realized that these kids would actually be singing her songs. Poor Gwen. At the beginning of the Sanjaya clip, the look on her face as she's talking about her experience with him is basically, "Fuuuuuck. What did I get myself into? Are people going to see this? Yes? #1 show in America? Fuuuuuuck."

Stefani's misgivings were clearly nothing more than the result of an artist being unnecessarily over-protective of her work. Because, really. The dude rocked it.

Okay, not really. But he's the cock of the walk!

I love how even Simon can't even be bothered to offer criticism or say anything mean at all. They've just surrendered to the Sanjayamania. Nobody's even pretending that he's in it for the singing anymore. To him, American Idol is nothing more than an extended audition for Hair Show 2: Faux-Hawktric Boogaloo.

The Amazing Race (Sunday 3/25)

There's really not much to say about the latest episode of Amazing Race: All-Stars. CBS almost fucked me again, but I happened to actually be home so I was able to catch the entire episode. All I got from it was This season just doesn't have much going for it now that Rob and Amber have been kicked off. They were pretty much the only team who consistantly played smart and didn't devolve into petty bickering or sniping. They ran each leg as best as they could without focusing or relying on the other teams---something which plagues the majority of racers in any given season. Unfortunately, they hit a run of bad luck and couldn't make their way out of it.

So the important part of this episode and the one that I missed last week is that Charla and Mirna are completely insane and insist on speaking broken English to foreigners. They also don't know the meaning of words, as is evidenced by the clip below.

Oh, and also, your cranky grandparents got kicked off.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Celebrity Sighting (Saturday 3/24)

I don't hang out in fashionable places or Newark Airport, so I rarely have celebrity sightings anymore. I have movie sightings fairly often; Jodie Foster filmed The Brave One in my neighborhood last summer and within the past few weeks I've run into two separate shooting locations for The Bourne Ultimatum, but the only people I ever saw were pissed off teamsters and harried assistants.

As I was walking around downtown on Saturday after a show at The Ace of Clubs, I saw just enough drunk blondes in too-high heels teetering around the street to know that the time was ripe for a good celebrity sighting. So who was delivered to me? Well, if you haven't already guessed by the picture, it was Naomi Watts impregnator Liev Schriber.

Oh, Liev. With the impronounceable name and the serious acting and the four episode arc on CSI. The guy who, to most, looks vaguely familiar at best and only prompts me to go "oh my god, oh my god, yeeeee!" In my head, of course. I've had a mad crush on him ever since I was babysitting a coworker's kid in high school and saw Denise Calls Up on Showtime. He was ridiculously hot then and was ridiculously hot as he rushed down the street alone talking on his cell phone.

Just a side note: When you're trying to explain who he is to your friends, yelling out "RKO 281!" doesn't help.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Grey's Anatomy (Thursday, 3/22)

Okay, so this may be a little late, but Grey's Anatomy is an especially difficult show for me to talk about. Don't get me wrong, I love it. It's one of my favorite shows on television right now. But, like anyone I love, it pisses me off at times.

Thursday's episode, while not mind-blowing, was pretty solid. I like what they've been doing with Alex lately, namely caring for Jane Doe and being the one intern at Seattle Grace not having an inappropriate relationship with a superior. You guys can make eyes at each other all you want. Seriously, Addison is scorching hot.

What I don't like is what they are doing to my two favorite characters on the show: Izzie and George. They slept together? Seriously? And George doesn't remember it? Seriously? And Izzie is in love with George? Ser--okay. We kind of get that one. But the problem is, we get it on a personal level, but not on a "this is better for the show" level. We already had a "we love each other, but this pesky marriage and commitment thing is getting in the way" storyline with McDreamy and McBrittle Bone Disease. Granted, George and Izzie are way more likable, but still. You're not fooling anyone.

I'm a big fan of platonic male/female relationships. I've had many throughout my life and I really resent those people who say they cannot exist. What I loved about the George and Izzie relationship was that there was zero chance of them exploring each other's naughty bits. She could be fiercely protective of him and he could help her through her problems--without tongue. Now that's ruined. Even if they come to their senses and don't fall in love or whatever, they can never go back to that place and Grey's Anatomy lost its most authentic and relatable relationship.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Lost (Wednesday 3/21)

Sweet Mary mother of God, I just about crapped my pants last night. Lost is one of those shows of which I have seen every episode, but generally pisses me off. It's slow moving, plodding along twists and turns to the point where you not only cannot remember where you started, but you can no longer remember why you care. Granted, I'm probably prone to cutting Lost less slack than most people, as I fell victim to the Alias disaster, otherwise known as seasons 3-5. JJ Abrams fucked up a great show once and I don't trust him to not do it again.

However, what Abrams does do right consistently, is stock his shows full of fascinating actors. Victor Garber and Ron Rifkin on Alias, and now, Terry O'Quinn on Lost (O'Quinn, by the way, was criminally underutilized on Alias, something which Abrams obviously realized and tried to fix with Lost). O'Quinn's John Locke is the most complex and compelling character on this show and definitely at the top of the list in all of television right now. The Locke episodes are always the best, which pretty much guaranteed that last night's was going to be a doozy. And a doozy it was.

I'm not going to go into a detailed account of everything that happened. For that, you should head over to TWoP. I'm just going to go over the basics.

*Locke blows up the Other's submarine, leaving everyone stranded on the island indefinitely (including Jack, who had brokered a deal with Ben that would have let him go home the next morning. Awkward).

*Ben knows all about Locke's life before he came to the island, including the fact that he had been in a wheelchair for four years. He's kind of peeved that the island fixed Locke but hasn't fixed him.

*Locke ended up in a wheelchair because his father PUSHED HIM THROUGH A FREAKIN' WINDOW! Locke fell 8 STORIES and survived.

*Locke's father IS ON THE ISLAND and being held captive by Ben.

Do you see what I'm saying? This episode rocked my face. Obviously, every episode can't be this amazing, or else they'd answer every question in about three weeks. But if next week's episode can keep just half of the momentum from this week, I'll be completely sucked in once again.

American Idol (Wednesday 3/21)

I didn't see the show, as I was busy winning at Scrabble...again. It was the results show though, so the first 29.5 minutes are worthless anyway. All that you need to know is the drunken tranny soccer mom from hell, Sanjaya, stayed. Dude wasn't even in the bottom two. He is amazing and I 100% want him to win so I can watch Simon Cowell's head explode in a fit of British pique.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

American Idol (Tuesday 3/20)

I haven't been watching Idol this season, partially because I don't care about the contestants and partially because I have way more than enough Seacrest in my life since his hostile takeover of E!. But last night, Gilmore Girls was a repeat, so I flipped over to Fox for about twenty seconds. That twenty seconds consisted of, "Holy Christ. That kid is beatboxing" and "Woah. Jennifer Hudson looks rough. I mean Mandisa looks rough. I mean, fuck, what year is this?" Then my brain leaked out of my eyeball. Because of this, I completely missed the creepalicious Sanjaya doing a fairly accurate impression of me at a karaoke bar at three in the morning after a couple pitchers of beer.

Now, the greatest thing about this isn't his Kamikaze-like performance, or his hair, or that there's a little girl crying. It's not even the look on the little girl's face that seems completely inappropriate for any situation other than getting ass-raped by a ghost. No, for me, the best part of this whole thing is that the cameramen WILL NOT STOP CUTTING TO HER. Not even a weeping Hasselhoff got this much screen time. The director was giving orders for multiple cameras to get in this poor girls face. It was beautiful. Because, really. Just think for a second about how fucking bored and annoyed these people must be all the time. I couldn't get through twenty seconds of staring at some kids spiky hair while he moonwalked? To the...side? I don't know. For the cameramen, getting a loving close-up on this dude's frosted tips is their job. A job for which I am positive they are not paid nearly enough.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

"I don't know what I'm doing here"

I don't know either, Lily, but as long as it involves cursing, it's okay by me.

I saw I Heart Huckabees in the theater. The cast was great and it had some entertaining parts, but all in all, I was underwhelmed. However, if they had released it as two hours of Lily Tomlin yelling at director David O. Russell like she is in this clip from the set, then I would own the deluxe edition on DVD.

Face of Wax

I've stared at this picture for the past five minutes and I still can't figure it out. If I told you that this was the new Paris Hilton exhibit at Madame Tussaud's, you'd totally believe me, right? Because, ew.

Photo from A Socialites Life

Coming Attractions: The Reaping

Hilary Swank's performances in Boys Don't Cry and Million Dollar Baby were gut wrenching, point-perfect examples of what movie acting can be. She richly deserved both Oscars she won for these roles, so why doesn't she believe it? Because, that's what it is, right? That's the reason her first starring role after Baby was Dangerous Minds 2: More Dangerouser, or Freedom Writers as IMDB calls it. Now, she's following that with the horror movie The Reaping.

She's playing Katherine Winter, a former Christian missionary who has (of course) lost her faith, but just may regain it while investigating what appear to be Biblical plagues in a small Louisiana town. Swank is the only big name in the film--they couldn't even get one of the Fanning sisters to play the role of "creepy little blond girl who may or may not be the Antichrist." That, combined with the fact that the screenwriters, Chad and Carey Hayes, are the twin brothers responsible for the Paris Hilton vehicle, House of Wax, should be a clear sign that there is something seriously wrong with this movie.

The only positive thing that can possibly come from this film would be Swank finally realizing that she's an A-List star who doesn't deserve to be in B-List purgatory. The Next Karate Kid was a long time ago, Hilary. You can't punish yourself forever. We've moved on; hopefully you will too.

The Amazing Race (Sunday 3/18)

The latest episode of The Amazing Race: All-Stars aired on Sunday, so it would make sense that I would write about what happened. What will everyone focus on now that Rob and Amber are gone? Will the old people get lost? Can the frat get frattier? Has Mirna become so shrill that she can only be heard by dogs? These are questions that need answers. Unfortunately, I am unable to give them to you because CBS sucks.

Instead of actually adjusting their television schedule to allow for basketball, CBS just pushes everything back without changing their program info. Thus, instead of The Amazing Race, I was stuck with 50 minutes of 60 Minutes.

While basketball is unpredictable, with many games going into overtime, CBS should be able to do better. If changing the program information isn't feasible, it only makes sense to make the show available elsewhere. With Viacom (CBS' parent company) suing YouTube for a billion dollars, one would think that they would be working hard to promote Innertube, CBS' sanctioned online presence. Unfortunately, a check of shows that while they are airing full episodes of NCIS (that's still on the air? Really?) TAR is nowhere to be seen. Maybe Viacom should stop looking at YouTube as the source of their problem and look within their own doors instead.

Monday, March 19, 2007

What are you looking at?

Is your Google Reader filled with celebrity blogs? Do you read the same post about Kirsten Dunst looking like Golem twenty times in a day? Are you worried that it's affecting your sanity?

You should be.

Luckily for you, there's The Hollywood Flash. We take the best stories from the week in Pop Culture, chew them up and feed them back to you momma bird-style.

Best of all, with our upcoming podcasts, literacy is completely optional!

We're launching this weekend, so keep an eye out!