Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Jenna Fischer and James Gunn Call it Quits

Actress Jenna Fisher and her husband of nearly seven years, writer/director James Gunn, have announced their separation. The news came today via synchronized blog posts on James and Jenna’s MySpace pages. The blog entry, titled “Our Statement,” says in part,

“We (James and Jenna) need to announce that we have chosen to separate. We are sorry for any pain this causes family and friends. The enthusiasm we have expressed for each other's lives, spirits, and careers is real – we have been each other's cheerleader and friend during the past six years and continue to be so now and in the future.”

They also have the requisite plea for privacy, asking their MySpace friends to avoid trying to

“make one of us ‘feel better’ by putting the other one down in a post. Please don't – we still have the utmost respect for one another, and we'd have to delete you.”

At the age of six, Fischer took her very first acting class with Sean Gunn (Gilmore Girls), James’ brother. The couple, however, didn’t actually meet each other until 2000 when Jenna attended a script reading for Gunn’s film, The Specials. They were married later that same year.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

That ain't mine!

I haven't really been talking about Lohan because the whole thing depresses me. Perez posted a letter from the world's worst mother and it's pretty much what you think it would be. I was going to repost it here, but the denial might hurt your soul. Here are the highlights:

*She was wearing someone else's pants!

*The meanie-head cops strongarmed her into taking a breathalyzer!

*It's all the paparazzi's fault anyway!

*Lindsay should leave LA and go live with her family!

Oh, Dina. Dina, Dina, Dina. Have you looked at your daughter? I mean, really looked at her in a way that isn't like a cartoon character stranded on a desert island who's so hungry that their companion turns into a giant chicken leg (except in your case it's one of those sacks with a big dollar bill sign)? Because if you have, you wouldn't be saying stuff like this. You would be saying something more along the lines of, "Yikes. My bad, y'all. We'll be at a rehab facility in Oregon if you need us."

And Lindsay, I'm begging you. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH YOUR FAMILY. Yes, come back to New York, but come to Brooklyn instead. You can stay with us. We'll watch Mean Girls and talk about where it all started to go wrong, and you'll be in bed by 11.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Movies, Movies, Movies

This past Sunday, I had the apartment and the day completely to myself. Basically everyone I knew was out of town doing stuff that's more fun than hanging out with me in Brooklyn, so I decided to take the advice that Kerri Kenney imparted to me in a long-ago episode of The State and decided to make friends with...myself.

Since I like to see movies and haven't been able to very often in recent months, I decided to head down to the theater. Seven hours later, I emerged. In that seven hours, I rode the elevator up and down and ended up seeing three movies, Live Free or Die Hard, License to Wed, and Ratatouille.

I'm not going to review these movies or give you synopses. For that, you could go to someone who actually knows what they're talking about. Instead, I'm just going to give you my basic impressions and whether or not I enjoyed it.

Live Free or Die Hard

This is the movie that I went to the theater and actually paid the $10.50 to see. I've never actually seen any of the Die Hard movies so this wasn't something I had been eagerly anticipating. At least, not until I saw the trailer.

The first time I saw it on the big screen was when my boyfriend and I went to see Knocked Up. My eyes were as big as saucers and I started shaking in my seat. I turned to him and said, "Honey. Did you see all of the shit that got blown up? OhmygodIhavetoseethatmovie." He just shook his head and laughed at me.

Let me tell you, I was not disappointed. It is probably the greatest film ever committed to celluloid. People got fucked up. Cars ran into helicopters, people fell down elevator shafts and shit got blown up. It was AMAZING and I kind of want to see it a million more times.

License to Wed

I know. This one is kind of embarrassing. But in my defense, it had lots of cameos by castmembers of The Office, and John Krasinski and Mandy Moore are both really pretty. I just wish someone would give her a decent movie role, because even though American Dreamz was underwatched and underrated, she really hasn't been in a good movie since Saved.

The thing I will say about this movie is it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I had prepared myself for ninety minutes of coke-fueled Robin Williams shtick, but was pleasantly surprised to see that the production crew had wisely invested in a tranq gun. While it did not stop him, it managed to keep him mostly restrained.

The characters were nothing more than Rom-Com archetypes and the plot was thinner than Nicole Richie, but it di
dn't make me want to kill myself, so I consider that to be a success.

But the poster still looks like the female reproductive system and that freaks me out.


Eh. It's no Finding Nemo, but then again, what is? It was a good movie with incredible animation. Marveling at the way they rendered the rat's fur alone is worth the price of admission.

Here's my main problem with it: The whole point of the movie is to not judge a book by its cover, that we can be anything we want to be. That's all well and good, but I still do not, under any circumstances, want a rat in my kitchen.

Maybe I would have been more open to the story if I didn't live in New York, or even if I didn't see that episode of 30 Rock where they talk about the Rat King. But I do, and I did, I pretty much spent half of the movie shivering and trying not to vomit.

I also never want to eat in another restaurant again. Ever.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Poor George Michael

Seriously. Who doesn't miss Arrested Development? I know I do, which is why I love seeing the castmembers in other roles. In this (fake) video, Michael Cera pulls a Lily Tomlin and gets fired from Knocked Up.

In other news, how creepy is it to think about George Michael getting Izzie pregnant?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Beauty and the beastly commercial

I love Kate Walsh. Like, love her. Ever since the stupid Izzie/George storyline, she's become my favorite character on Grey's Anatomy. Private Practice is probably going to suck, but I"ll watch it anyway--because she's awesome.

Kate's been having a great week too. In addition to Private Practice being picked up for fall, she got engaged. Things have been going well for her lately; which is why I have no explanation for this.

Seriously, go watch it. They wouldn't let me embed it, but it is well worth the click. Not only can I not explain why Kate Walsh is doing a literal soap opera, I just do not understand what it is in general. Please, someone explain it to me.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

And the winner is...

I love trannies. Truly. I wish I had a cadre of tranny girlfriends. It would be just like Sex and the City except...well, actually it would be just like Sex and the City. Anyway, last night in New York, there was a tranny celebrity look-alike contest. Check out the Jessica Simpson entry. Pretty good, right?

Except this is actually a picture of Jessica Simpson at the MET Costume Institute Benefit Gala last night. Awkward.

A girl's gotta eat

About a decade ago, when I was just an impressionable teenager, I took a trip to D.C. with my brother, sister-in-law and baby niece. As I was sitting in the back seat on the way to Arlington National Cemetery, the baby started to cry. Quicker than lightning, my sister-in-law, who was in the passenger seat, sprang into action. She unbuckled her seatbelt, turned around in her seat, pulled out her left breast and stuck it in my niece's mouth--not eight inches from my shocked face. After seeing my horrified expression, she and my brother burst out laughing and made fun of my trauma for the rest of the day. The point of that story is this: For those people who are all shocked and outraged about Maggie Gyllenhaal breastfeeding her daughter in the park, YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW. For reals.

Celebrity Baby Blog

Monday, May 7, 2007

You can take the girl out of rehab...

...but you can't take the lonely, desperate coke-whore out of the girl.

On the scale of ridiculous celebrity charades, the fact that Lindsay Lohan does coke, like, constantly, is pretty freakin' high on the list. It's somewhere between Paris not realizing her license was suspended and John Travolta not sticking it to dudes in his trailer.

So when the screenshots of Lindsay doing coke in an LA bathroom surfaced, it was pretty much the least-surprising thing ever. So much so, that when I looked at the pictures, I had two thoughts: The first one was "ew, that girl let Lindsay stick her finger up her nose" and "ew, I won't even take my drink into a bathroom. People poo in there."

Unfortunately, we don't have the actual video yet, so in the mean time, here's a kicky montage to dance to at work.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Flavor of LIES!

I am shocked, awed and incredibly dismayed at this article that claims New York from Flavor of Love and I Love New York is a big, fat fraud.

For those of you who are stupid and don't watch these shows, Tiffany got rejected by Flav twice on his show, so she had her own spinoff to help her find a man. On her show, she's flanked by her mother, Miss Michelle, the angriest woman in the world. Now an "insider" is alleging that Miss Michelle isn't even New York's mom; that she's just some random actress.

The actress (and I use that term loosely) who plays "Mrs. Michelle", New York's mother, Leslie Bibbs, is not only of no relation to Simmons, but once stood in the same cattle call line with her at an open call for a B.E.T reality show.

Another amazing tidbit: Bibbs and Simmons are only 5 years apart in age.

Shenanigans! If this is true, this is like when I found out there was no Santa Claus. Or at least it would be, if I ever believed in Santa Claus. Which I never did. True story.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Madonna's reinventing herself!

...Wait. That's totally not the point of this video. The point of this video is that Will Ferrell isn't satisfied with constantly opening #1 movies. He needs to take over the YouTube as well.

Ooooh. Nothing's safe from the Hollywood machine.

Thursday, April 12, 2007


Brown's writing is not just bad; it is staggeringly, clumsily, thoughtlessly, almost ingeniously bad.

The Language Log does a great job explaining why reading The Da Vinci Code filled me with rage. My explanation is that it's written at a fourth-grade reading level. His is slightly more in-depth.

American Idol (Tuesday 4/10 & Wednesday 4/11)

I'm still not watching the show. I still think Sanjaya will win.

This episode featured Jennifer Lopez coaching the kids for Latin Night. Yikes. So Sanjaya decided to don Adam Morrison's Fisher Price My First Mustache and sing Besame Mucho. And the judges loved it. You know who they didn't love? The no-necked girl who's actually the best singer. It's a world gone mad!

So on Wednesday night, guess who was in the bottom three. Not Sanjaya, that's who! Not at all. Some chick named Haley got kicked off instead. Brilliant.

The Amazing Race (Sunday, 4/8)

I think I've started every Amazing Race post by talking about how disappointing the "All-Star Edition" has been this season, and this post will be no exception. Uchenna and Joyce, who won when they were on the show the first time, said they would use the winnings for in vitro because the fact that they haven't had a baby is hurting their marriage. So a few years later, they're back on the show and they still haven't had a baby, causing further strife. If this wasn't depressing enough, they get eliminated in this episode. But here's the thing. They get so far behind, that by the time they get off the plane, everybody else has already made it to the map. So they don't even get to do any of the tasks in this leg. Their first clue tells them to proceed directly to the pit stop where Phil is waiting. The news, of course, is not good.

Now with Uchenna and Joyce gone, The Beauty Queens are the only team I like. Luckily for me, they rocked this leg and came in first.

Also, they yielded Frat and Pink, causing Frat to call them "dirty hookers." Sigh. It made me homesick.

Nickelback? More like Nickelsuck.

Okay. That was lame. Almost as lame as a Nickelback song. Hey-oh!

Speaking of which, explains why Nickelback is so hateable. Hint: It's not just Chad Kroeger's face.

As much as I love hating on the 'Back, I have to wonder how much of this is due to inherent suckitude and how much is due to the record industry machine.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Shhh. I'm watching this.

There is absolutely no reason for me to post this, other than the fact that I just came across it today. I present to you the greatest two minutes in MTV's history and probably award show history in general. Seriously. I cannot think of anything better than this.

Lost (Wednesday 4/4)

Lost has taught me to always be prepared for disappointment. Just when I get comfortable and think it's a good show, it does something ridiculous, like have Bai Ling on as a guest star, that makes me remember why this show bugs me so often. I've written about how much I've enjoyed the last two episodes, so I was expecting this one to be a stinker. Especially since it was a Kate episode and all I can think about every time she's on the screen is how much someone needs to punch her. All the time.

Well, somebody got punched all right, but it was Kate who was doing the punching. Juliet, unfortunately, was on the receiving end. They had been handcuffed together after The Others went on vacation and left Juliet behind. It's basically like Home Alone, but with tear gas. Instead of ordering a large cheese pizza all for herself, Juliet decided to cuff herself to Kate so they could be alone together. Since Lost is on ABC, the results weren't as sexy as one would hope.

Back on craphole island, Hurley displays yet another reason why he, and not uppity Jack should be the de facto leader by tricking Sawyer into taking the job. DANCE PUPPET, DANCE!

Other than that, there were a lot of Kate flashbacks. Basically all I remember is that she met Sawyer's lady and she was pregnant with his kid. Plus, Kate's mom doesn't love her, which made me laugh.

In all, while it wasn't a stellar episode, it wasn't nearly as annoying as it could have been. This week is another Juliet episode, so I have pretty high hopes. Don't let me down, Lost.


I went away for the long weekend and was both too drunk and too sick to keep up with my TV watching. But television and I have been reunited, so I think I'm pretty much caught up. I think we'll start today off with last week's episode of Lost. Despite being a Kate episode, it surprisingly didn't induce vomiting.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


Yeah. I can.

To absolutely no one's surprise (especially Howard K Stern's) Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole's kid.

Now can we never speak of this again?

Thursday, April 5, 2007

American Idol (Tuesday 4/3 & Wednesday 4/4)

Sanjaya and Tony sitting in a tree...

Tony Bennett is a Sanjaya fan. For reals, y'all. He said it on Tuesday's episode of American Idol, so it must be true. But really, I totally buy it. Tony Bennett is old. Unlike poor mortified Gwen Stefani, his legacy is secure, so who cares if some crazy kid in a Saturday Night Fever Suit wants to butcher a classic song? He didn't write it, so whatevs. Even if he did, who cares? He's Tony freakin' Bennett!

Then on Wednesday night, somebody named Gina got kicked off. I don't know who that is. I just know she's not Sanjaya and I'm pretty sure she's not the no-necked girl who was a back-up dancer for Prince or whatever and acts as though she's spent her life in a cage being beaten with pasta and has never heard a compliment in her life. She's a good singer, that one.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

So, uh, it turns out Kermit is left-handed.

This was brought to my attention this weekend and keeping with the theme of crazy-ass videos it seemed like it would be a good idea to post a video of Kermit the Frog singing "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails.

So for those of you who have had a burning desire to see your favorite muppet shooting up, vomiting and crying, here you go. It's disturbing, but still not as sad as the Johnny Cash version.

He still looks more convincing with a guitar than Lindsay Lohan.

Monday, April 2, 2007

The Amazing Race (Sunday, April 1)

"I am crying and he is laughing"

I'm still really annoyed with the fact that Rob and Amber got kicked off. As such, I am having a really hard time caring about this season. In true reality TV fashion, being aw
ful gets you a lot of screen time. As such, Charla and Mirna are huge parts of every episode.

Normally, I love crazy reality show contestants, but I've had more than enough of these two, with their constant bickering and whining and crying and patronizing people with their broken English. I'm done.

I am so done, in fact, that I only got a marginal amount of enjoyment from watching Mirna break down in tears after
haranguing a couple of cab drivers because they wouldn't take the time to drive completely out of their way to help her figure out where she's going just because she's a blonde or an American, or whatever.

Speaking of blondes, at this point I find myself firmly on Team Beauty Queens. I still don't know which one is Dustin and which one is Kandice, but they're kind of awesome. They play the game consistently and without any of the typical "people underestimate us because of our looks" bullshit. They know they're hot and they know that they can lug a wagon full of trees for a mile, just like they know that they can each eat two pounds of sausage. They don't make a big fat hairy deal out of it either, they just do it.

If an all-female team is going to win The Amazing Race, I sincerely hope it's these two. I also sincerely hope that if we continue to be forced to watch Charla and Mirna, that people keep making Mirna cry and Charla keeps falling on her face--because that's the only way I can really stand them at all.

It must be something in the air

Ryan Reynolds has always filled the role of generic cheesy blond "hunky" guy with abs. Lately however, he has gotten hot. Like, Ryan Gossling hot. In fact, in Smokin' Aces, Reynolds bore a striking resemblence to a Half Nelson Gossling.

So taking this into consideration, it makes complete sense for Alanis Morissette to pull a Beyonce and make a completely insane video. Reynolds must have been very good in bed, as she didn't stop at making a crazy video for one of her songs. No, she decided to do a cover of The Black-Eyed Peas' "My Humps." It's truly terrifying.

I usually just eat a lot of ice cream and watch Law & Order, but good for you, Alanis. Get through it any way you can.

Beyonce takes things literally

Poor Beyonce. I've been worried about her for awhile. First, she came out with her highly-anticipated follow-up to her debut solo project, Dangerously in Love, and decided to wear the wig that ate Pittsburgh on the cover. So instead of looking totally hot, she ended up looking like somebody's crazy aunt Melba.

Then, of course, there's the awkward title, B'Day. I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be "B-Day" like the abbreviation for birthday, but kind of looks like it should be pronounced "bidet," which, ew. All of these are unfortunate decisions on B's part, but nothing to be overly worried about.

Then Dreamgirls happened.

What was supposed to be her breakout performance turned into a coming-out party for Jennifer Hudson, relegating Beyonce to the role of "co-star who claps politely and smiles through the rage at every award show of the season." When Hudson won the Oscar, I think it was a tipping point for Miss Beyonce.

To wit: her new video for the song "Kitty Kat."

Wait, what? I saw this on April Fool's, but I'm pretty sure she's deadly serious. She's riding a house cat and batting around a ball of yarn. This is what her life has come to.

But I don't cry for her. Why? because I think this could mark the beginning of an exciting new arc in her career. She can go from being Miss Beyonce, diva extraordinaire, to Beyonce Knowles, crazy Diva who shows up to the red carpet wearing a cape and dragging along a manservant on a leash. She can be music's Janice Dickinson.

So ride that house cat Beyonce. Ride it.

Friday, March 30, 2007

"I have been working on this show for three WEEKS!"

This is almost definitely fake (the quality is just a little too good), but I love Paul Rudd, I love ex-State castmembers and I love meltdowns.

And dear, sweet Jesus. If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to grab a broom and just fuck shit up...

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Lost (Wednesday, 3/28)

Thank you, Lost. Thank you for not completely letting me down like I feared you would. I knew there was going to be a death in this episode, but such promises have disappointed me in the past (for example, Kate is still alive) so I wasn't holding my breath. Then in the first ten minutes, BAM! Nicky's dead. Then BAM! Paulo's dead too! Hell yeah.

I had been dreading the Nicky and Paulo episode because I was angry at Lost for throwing in more stupid characters that they wanted me to care about. It was bad enough when they tagged along with Locke and the gang, but now they were getting their own episode? Lame. Except it totally wasn't, because they totally ate it!

We saw their backstory in which it turned out that they were eeevil and killed a dude for a sack full of diamonds. What was kind of awesome about this was that it allowed Lost to have kind of a clip show and bring back Shannon (with a terrible wig) and Boone for no real reason--not that I'm complaining. I love me some Shannon and Boone. We also find out that it wasn't some sort of murder-suicide thing that killed Nicky and Paulo, even though that seemed to be where the episode was leading. Instead, they both got bitten by spiders that slow down your heart rate and cause paralysis--meaning THEY WEREN'T DEAD. THEY WERE ONLY PARALYZED!

The effects of the venom only made them appear to be dead, so their asses got buried alive. Talk about a freakin' twist. The whole thing reminded me very much of the old Alfred Hitchcock Presents TV show. It was creepy as all hell and extremely well done.

Even though this was a stand-alone episode and we didn't necessarily advance the plot in a big way, it was too good to merit a complaint. Plus hardly any Kate! It doesn't get better than that on Craphole Island.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Harry Potter Book Jacket Art!

Wooooo! has the new Harry Potter cover art. This is for the UK children's edition of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. This will be different from the UK Adult version, which will (more than likely) still be different from the US version. Still. This is pretty freakin' sweet.

The last installment of the Harry Potter series is set to be released on July 21. That's less than three months away, for those of you who are too busy peeing your pants to do math.

Somebody's going to die! I kind of think it'll be Harry. What do you think?

American Idol (Tuesday, 3/27)

Awesome. Just freakin' awesome. I still can't be bothered to watch the show (after all, it would cut into valuable Law & Order Tivo-ing, and that is just unacceptable) but I check the YouTube to see what glory I have missed.

Last night Gwen Stefani filled the role most often inhabited by artists who end up on those compilations that Regis Philbin shills at three in the morning. She immediately regretted her decision to become Idol coach for a day when she realized that these kids would actually be singing her songs. Poor Gwen. At the beginning of the Sanjaya clip, the look on her face as she's talking about her experience with him is basically, "Fuuuuuck. What did I get myself into? Are people going to see this? Yes? #1 show in America? Fuuuuuuck."

Stefani's misgivings were clearly nothing more than the result of an artist being unnecessarily over-protective of her work. Because, really. The dude rocked it.

Okay, not really. But he's the cock of the walk!

I love how even Simon can't even be bothered to offer criticism or say anything mean at all. They've just surrendered to the Sanjayamania. Nobody's even pretending that he's in it for the singing anymore. To him, American Idol is nothing more than an extended audition for Hair Show 2: Faux-Hawktric Boogaloo.

The Amazing Race (Sunday 3/25)

There's really not much to say about the latest episode of Amazing Race: All-Stars. CBS almost fucked me again, but I happened to actually be home so I was able to catch the entire episode. All I got from it was This season just doesn't have much going for it now that Rob and Amber have been kicked off. They were pretty much the only team who consistantly played smart and didn't devolve into petty bickering or sniping. They ran each leg as best as they could without focusing or relying on the other teams---something which plagues the majority of racers in any given season. Unfortunately, they hit a run of bad luck and couldn't make their way out of it.

So the important part of this episode and the one that I missed last week is that Charla and Mirna are completely insane and insist on speaking broken English to foreigners. They also don't know the meaning of words, as is evidenced by the clip below.

Oh, and also, your cranky grandparents got kicked off.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Celebrity Sighting (Saturday 3/24)

I don't hang out in fashionable places or Newark Airport, so I rarely have celebrity sightings anymore. I have movie sightings fairly often; Jodie Foster filmed The Brave One in my neighborhood last summer and within the past few weeks I've run into two separate shooting locations for The Bourne Ultimatum, but the only people I ever saw were pissed off teamsters and harried assistants.

As I was walking around downtown on Saturday after a show at The Ace of Clubs, I saw just enough drunk blondes in too-high heels teetering around the street to know that the time was ripe for a good celebrity sighting. So who was delivered to me? Well, if you haven't already guessed by the picture, it was Naomi Watts impregnator Liev Schriber.

Oh, Liev. With the impronounceable name and the serious acting and the four episode arc on CSI. The guy who, to most, looks vaguely familiar at best and only prompts me to go "oh my god, oh my god, yeeeee!" In my head, of course. I've had a mad crush on him ever since I was babysitting a coworker's kid in high school and saw Denise Calls Up on Showtime. He was ridiculously hot then and was ridiculously hot as he rushed down the street alone talking on his cell phone.

Just a side note: When you're trying to explain who he is to your friends, yelling out "RKO 281!" doesn't help.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Grey's Anatomy (Thursday, 3/22)

Okay, so this may be a little late, but Grey's Anatomy is an especially difficult show for me to talk about. Don't get me wrong, I love it. It's one of my favorite shows on television right now. But, like anyone I love, it pisses me off at times.

Thursday's episode, while not mind-blowing, was pretty solid. I like what they've been doing with Alex lately, namely caring for Jane Doe and being the one intern at Seattle Grace not having an inappropriate relationship with a superior. You guys can make eyes at each other all you want. Seriously, Addison is scorching hot.

What I don't like is what they are doing to my two favorite characters on the show: Izzie and George. They slept together? Seriously? And George doesn't remember it? Seriously? And Izzie is in love with George? Ser--okay. We kind of get that one. But the problem is, we get it on a personal level, but not on a "this is better for the show" level. We already had a "we love each other, but this pesky marriage and commitment thing is getting in the way" storyline with McDreamy and McBrittle Bone Disease. Granted, George and Izzie are way more likable, but still. You're not fooling anyone.

I'm a big fan of platonic male/female relationships. I've had many throughout my life and I really resent those people who say they cannot exist. What I loved about the George and Izzie relationship was that there was zero chance of them exploring each other's naughty bits. She could be fiercely protective of him and he could help her through her problems--without tongue. Now that's ruined. Even if they come to their senses and don't fall in love or whatever, they can never go back to that place and Grey's Anatomy lost its most authentic and relatable relationship.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Lost (Wednesday 3/21)

Sweet Mary mother of God, I just about crapped my pants last night. Lost is one of those shows of which I have seen every episode, but generally pisses me off. It's slow moving, plodding along twists and turns to the point where you not only cannot remember where you started, but you can no longer remember why you care. Granted, I'm probably prone to cutting Lost less slack than most people, as I fell victim to the Alias disaster, otherwise known as seasons 3-5. JJ Abrams fucked up a great show once and I don't trust him to not do it again.

However, what Abrams does do right consistently, is stock his shows full of fascinating actors. Victor Garber and Ron Rifkin on Alias, and now, Terry O'Quinn on Lost (O'Quinn, by the way, was criminally underutilized on Alias, something which Abrams obviously realized and tried to fix with Lost). O'Quinn's John Locke is the most complex and compelling character on this show and definitely at the top of the list in all of television right now. The Locke episodes are always the best, which pretty much guaranteed that last night's was going to be a doozy. And a doozy it was.

I'm not going to go into a detailed account of everything that happened. For that, you should head over to TWoP. I'm just going to go over the basics.

*Locke blows up the Other's submarine, leaving everyone stranded on the island indefinitely (including Jack, who had brokered a deal with Ben that would have let him go home the next morning. Awkward).

*Ben knows all about Locke's life before he came to the island, including the fact that he had been in a wheelchair for four years. He's kind of peeved that the island fixed Locke but hasn't fixed him.

*Locke ended up in a wheelchair because his father PUSHED HIM THROUGH A FREAKIN' WINDOW! Locke fell 8 STORIES and survived.

*Locke's father IS ON THE ISLAND and being held captive by Ben.

Do you see what I'm saying? This episode rocked my face. Obviously, every episode can't be this amazing, or else they'd answer every question in about three weeks. But if next week's episode can keep just half of the momentum from this week, I'll be completely sucked in once again.

American Idol (Wednesday 3/21)

I didn't see the show, as I was busy winning at Scrabble...again. It was the results show though, so the first 29.5 minutes are worthless anyway. All that you need to know is the drunken tranny soccer mom from hell, Sanjaya, stayed. Dude wasn't even in the bottom two. He is amazing and I 100% want him to win so I can watch Simon Cowell's head explode in a fit of British pique.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

American Idol (Tuesday 3/20)

I haven't been watching Idol this season, partially because I don't care about the contestants and partially because I have way more than enough Seacrest in my life since his hostile takeover of E!. But last night, Gilmore Girls was a repeat, so I flipped over to Fox for about twenty seconds. That twenty seconds consisted of, "Holy Christ. That kid is beatboxing" and "Woah. Jennifer Hudson looks rough. I mean Mandisa looks rough. I mean, fuck, what year is this?" Then my brain leaked out of my eyeball. Because of this, I completely missed the creepalicious Sanjaya doing a fairly accurate impression of me at a karaoke bar at three in the morning after a couple pitchers of beer.

Now, the greatest thing about this isn't his Kamikaze-like performance, or his hair, or that there's a little girl crying. It's not even the look on the little girl's face that seems completely inappropriate for any situation other than getting ass-raped by a ghost. No, for me, the best part of this whole thing is that the cameramen WILL NOT STOP CUTTING TO HER. Not even a weeping Hasselhoff got this much screen time. The director was giving orders for multiple cameras to get in this poor girls face. It was beautiful. Because, really. Just think for a second about how fucking bored and annoyed these people must be all the time. I couldn't get through twenty seconds of staring at some kids spiky hair while he moonwalked? To the...side? I don't know. For the cameramen, getting a loving close-up on this dude's frosted tips is their job. A job for which I am positive they are not paid nearly enough.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

"I don't know what I'm doing here"

I don't know either, Lily, but as long as it involves cursing, it's okay by me.

I saw I Heart Huckabees in the theater. The cast was great and it had some entertaining parts, but all in all, I was underwhelmed. However, if they had released it as two hours of Lily Tomlin yelling at director David O. Russell like she is in this clip from the set, then I would own the deluxe edition on DVD.

Face of Wax

I've stared at this picture for the past five minutes and I still can't figure it out. If I told you that this was the new Paris Hilton exhibit at Madame Tussaud's, you'd totally believe me, right? Because, ew.

Photo from A Socialites Life

Coming Attractions: The Reaping

Hilary Swank's performances in Boys Don't Cry and Million Dollar Baby were gut wrenching, point-perfect examples of what movie acting can be. She richly deserved both Oscars she won for these roles, so why doesn't she believe it? Because, that's what it is, right? That's the reason her first starring role after Baby was Dangerous Minds 2: More Dangerouser, or Freedom Writers as IMDB calls it. Now, she's following that with the horror movie The Reaping.

She's playing Katherine Winter, a former Christian missionary who has (of course) lost her faith, but just may regain it while investigating what appear to be Biblical plagues in a small Louisiana town. Swank is the only big name in the film--they couldn't even get one of the Fanning sisters to play the role of "creepy little blond girl who may or may not be the Antichrist." That, combined with the fact that the screenwriters, Chad and Carey Hayes, are the twin brothers responsible for the Paris Hilton vehicle, House of Wax, should be a clear sign that there is something seriously wrong with this movie.

The only positive thing that can possibly come from this film would be Swank finally realizing that she's an A-List star who doesn't deserve to be in B-List purgatory. The Next Karate Kid was a long time ago, Hilary. You can't punish yourself forever. We've moved on; hopefully you will too.

The Amazing Race (Sunday 3/18)

The latest episode of The Amazing Race: All-Stars aired on Sunday, so it would make sense that I would write about what happened. What will everyone focus on now that Rob and Amber are gone? Will the old people get lost? Can the frat get frattier? Has Mirna become so shrill that she can only be heard by dogs? These are questions that need answers. Unfortunately, I am unable to give them to you because CBS sucks.

Instead of actually adjusting their television schedule to allow for basketball, CBS just pushes everything back without changing their program info. Thus, instead of The Amazing Race, I was stuck with 50 minutes of 60 Minutes.

While basketball is unpredictable, with many games going into overtime, CBS should be able to do better. If changing the program information isn't feasible, it only makes sense to make the show available elsewhere. With Viacom (CBS' parent company) suing YouTube for a billion dollars, one would think that they would be working hard to promote Innertube, CBS' sanctioned online presence. Unfortunately, a check of shows that while they are airing full episodes of NCIS (that's still on the air? Really?) TAR is nowhere to be seen. Maybe Viacom should stop looking at YouTube as the source of their problem and look within their own doors instead.

Monday, March 19, 2007

What are you looking at?

Is your Google Reader filled with celebrity blogs? Do you read the same post about Kirsten Dunst looking like Golem twenty times in a day? Are you worried that it's affecting your sanity?

You should be.

Luckily for you, there's The Hollywood Flash. We take the best stories from the week in Pop Culture, chew them up and feed them back to you momma bird-style.

Best of all, with our upcoming podcasts, literacy is completely optional!

We're launching this weekend, so keep an eye out!