Madonna's reinventing herself!

...Wait. That's totally not the point of this video. The point of this video is that Will Ferrell isn't satisfied with constantly opening #1 movies. He needs to take over the YouTube as well.




Ooooh. Nothing's safe from the Hollywood machine.

Vindicated

Brown's writing is not just bad; it is staggeringly, clumsily, thoughtlessly, almost ingeniously bad.

The Language Log does a great job explaining why reading The Da Vinci Code filled me with rage. My explanation is that it's written at a fourth-grade reading level. His is slightly more in-depth.

American Idol (Tuesday 4/10 & Wednesday 4/11)

I'm still not watching the show. I still think Sanjaya will win.

This episode featured Jennifer Lopez coaching the kids for Latin Night. Yikes. So Sanjaya decided to don Adam Morrison's Fisher Price My First Mustache and sing Besame Mucho. And the judges loved it. You know who they didn't love? The no-necked girl who's actually the best singer. It's a world gone mad!

So on Wednesday night, guess who was in the bottom three. Not Sanjaya, that's who! Not at all. Some chick named Haley got kicked off instead. Brilliant.

The Amazing Race (Sunday, 4/8)

I think I've started every Amazing Race post by talking about how disappointing the "All-Star Edition" has been this season, and this post will be no exception. Uchenna and Joyce, who won when they were on the show the first time, said they would use the winnings for in vitro because the fact that they haven't had a baby is hurting their marriage. So a few years later, they're back on the show and they still haven't had a baby, causing further strife. If this wasn't depressing enough, they get eliminated in this episode. But here's the thing. They get so far behind, that by the time they get off the plane, everybody else has already made it to the map. So they don't even get to do any of the tasks in this leg. Their first clue tells them to proceed directly to the pit stop where Phil is waiting. The news, of course, is not good.

Now with Uchenna and Joyce gone, The Beauty Queens are the only team I like. Luckily for me, they rocked this leg and came in first.

Also, they yielded Frat and Pink, causing Frat to call them "dirty hookers." Sigh. It made me homesick.

Nickelback? More like Nickelsuck.

Okay. That was lame. Almost as lame as a Nickelback song. Hey-oh!

Speaking of which, thewebshite.net explains why Nickelback is so hateable. Hint: It's not just Chad Kroeger's face.

As much as I love hating on the 'Back, I have to wonder how much of this is due to inherent suckitude and how much is due to the record industry machine.

Shhh. I'm watching this.

There is absolutely no reason for me to post this, other than the fact that I just came across it today. I present to you the greatest two minutes in MTV's history and probably award show history in general. Seriously. I cannot think of anything better than this.

Lost (Wednesday 4/4)

Lost has taught me to always be prepared for disappointment. Just when I get comfortable and think it's a good show, it does something ridiculous, like have Bai Ling on as a guest star, that makes me remember why this show bugs me so often. I've written about how much I've enjoyed the last two episodes, so I was expecting this one to be a stinker. Especially since it was a Kate episode and all I can think about every time she's on the screen is how much someone needs to punch her. All the time.

Well, somebody got punched all right, but it was Kate who was doing the punching. Juliet, unfortunately, was on the receiving end. They had been handcuffed together after The Others went on vacation and left Juliet behind. It's basically like Home Alone, but with tear gas. Instead of ordering a large cheese pizza all for herself, Juliet decided to cuff herself to Kate so they could be alone together. Since Lost is on ABC, the results weren't as sexy as one would hope.

Back on craphole island, Hurley displays yet another reason why he, and not uppity Jack should be the de facto leader by tricking Sawyer into taking the job. DANCE PUPPET, DANCE!

Other than that, there were a lot of Kate flashbacks. Basically all I remember is that she met Sawyer's lady and she was pregnant with his kid. Plus, Kate's mom doesn't love her, which made me laugh.

In all, while it wasn't a stellar episode, it wasn't nearly as annoying as it could have been. This week is another Juliet episode, so I have pretty high hopes. Don't let me down, Lost.

Oops...

I went away for the long weekend and was both too drunk and too sick to keep up with my TV watching. But television and I have been reunited, so I think I'm pretty much caught up. I think we'll start today off with last week's episode of Lost. Despite being a Kate episode, it surprisingly didn't induce vomiting.

OHMYGODCANYOUBELIEVEIT??????

Yeah. I can.

To absolutely no one's surprise (especially Howard K Stern's) Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole's kid.

Now can we never speak of this again?

American Idol (Tuesday 4/3 & Wednesday 4/4)

Sanjaya and Tony sitting in a tree...

Tony Bennett is a Sanjaya fan. For reals, y'all. He said it on Tuesday's episode of American Idol, so it must be true. But really, I totally buy it. Tony Bennett is old. Unlike poor mortified Gwen Stefani, his legacy is secure, so who cares if some crazy kid in a Saturday Night Fever Suit wants to butcher a classic song? He didn't write it, so whatevs. Even if he did, who cares? He's Tony freakin' Bennett!





Then on Wednesday night, somebody named Gina got kicked off. I don't know who that is. I just know she's not Sanjaya and I'm pretty sure she's not the no-necked girl who was a back-up dancer for Prince or whatever and acts as though she's spent her life in a cage being beaten with pasta and has never heard a compliment in her life. She's a good singer, that one.

So, uh, it turns out Kermit is left-handed.

This was brought to my attention this weekend and keeping with the theme of crazy-ass videos it seemed like it would be a good idea to post a video of Kermit the Frog singing "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails.

So for those of you who have had a burning desire to see your favorite muppet shooting up, vomiting and crying, here you go. It's disturbing, but still not as sad as the Johnny Cash version.



He still looks more convincing with a guitar than Lindsay Lohan.

The Amazing Race (Sunday, April 1)

"I am crying and he is laughing"

I'm still really annoyed with the fact that Rob and Amber got kicked off. As such, I am having a really hard time caring about this season. In true reality TV fashion, being awful gets you a lot of screen time. As such, Charla and Mirna are huge parts of every episode.

Normally, I love crazy reality show contestants, but I've had more than enough of these two, with their constant bickering and whining and crying and patronizing people with their broken English. I'm done.

I am so done, in fact, that I only got a marginal amount of enjoyment from watching Mirna break down in tears after haranguing a couple of cab drivers because they wouldn't take the time to drive completely out of their way to help her figure out where she's going just because she's a blonde or an American, or whatever.

Speaking of blondes, at this point I find myself firmly on Team Beauty Queens. I still don't know which one is Dustin and which one is Kandice, but they're kind of awesome. They play the game consistently and without any of the typical "people underestimate us because of our looks" bullshit. They know they're hot and they know that they can lug a wagon full of trees for a mile, just like they know that they can each eat two pounds of sausage. They don't make a big fat hairy deal out of it either, they just do it.

If an all-female team is going to win The Amazing Race, I sincerely hope it's these two. I also sincerely hope that if we continue to be forced to watch Charla and Mirna, that people keep making Mirna cry and Charla keeps falling on her face--because that's the only way I can really stand them at all.

It must be something in the air

Ryan Reynolds has always filled the role of generic cheesy blond "hunky" guy with abs. Lately however, he has gotten hot. Like, Ryan Gossling hot. In fact, in Smokin' Aces, Reynolds bore a striking resemblence to a Half Nelson Gossling.

So taking this into consideration, it makes complete sense for Alanis Morissette to pull a Beyonce and make a completely insane video. Reynolds must have been very good in bed, as she didn't stop at making a crazy video for one of her songs. No, she decided to do a cover of The Black-Eyed Peas' "My Humps." It's truly terrifying.



I usually just eat a lot of ice cream and watch Law & Order, but good for you, Alanis. Get through it any way you can.

Beyonce takes things literally

Poor Beyonce. I've been worried about her for awhile. First, she came out with her highly-anticipated follow-up to her debut solo project, Dangerously in Love, and decided to wear the wig that ate Pittsburgh on the cover. So instead of looking totally hot, she ended up looking like somebody's crazy aunt Melba.


Then, of course, there's the awkward title, B'Day. I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be "B-Day" like the abbreviation for birthday, but kind of looks like it should be pronounced "bidet," which, ew. All of these are unfortunate decisions on B's part, but nothing to be overly worried about.

Then Dreamgirls happened.

What was supposed to be her breakout performance turned into a coming-out party for Jennifer Hudson, relegating Beyonce to the role of "co-star who claps politely and smiles through the rage at every award show of the season." When Hudson won the Oscar, I think it was a tipping point for Miss Beyonce.

To wit: her new video for the song "Kitty Kat."




Wait, what? I saw this on April Fool's, but I'm pretty sure she's deadly serious. She's riding a house cat and batting around a ball of yarn. This is what her life has come to.

But I don't cry for her. Why? because I think this could mark the beginning of an exciting new arc in her career. She can go from being Miss Beyonce, diva extraordinaire, to Beyonce Knowles, crazy Diva who shows up to the red carpet wearing a cape and dragging along a manservant on a leash. She can be music's Janice Dickinson.

So ride that house cat Beyonce. Ride it.