Movies, Movies, Movies

This past Sunday, I had the apartment and the day completely to myself. Basically everyone I knew was out of town doing stuff that's more fun than hanging out with me in Brooklyn, so I decided to take the advice that Kerri Kenney imparted to me in a long-ago episode of The State and decided to make friends with...myself.

Since I like to see movies and haven't been able to very often in recent months, I decided to head down to the theater. Seven hours later, I emerged. In that seven hours, I rode the elevator up and down and ended up seeing three movies, Live Free or Die Hard, License to Wed, and Ratatouille.

I'm not going to review these movies or give you synopses. For that, you could go to someone who actually knows what they're talking about. Instead, I'm just going to give you my basic impressions and whether or not I enjoyed it.

Live Free or Die Hard

This is the movie that I went to the theater and actually paid the $10.50 to see. I've never actually seen any of the Die Hard movies so this wasn't something I had been eagerly anticipating. At least, not until I saw the trailer.

The first time I saw it on the big screen was when my boyfriend and I went to see Knocked Up. My eyes were as big as saucers and I started shaking in my seat. I turned to him and said, "Honey. Did you see all of the shit that got blown up? OhmygodIhavetoseethatmovie." He just shook his head and laughed at me.

Let me tell you, I was not disappointed. It is probably the greatest film ever committed to celluloid. People got fucked up. Cars ran into helicopters, people fell down elevator shafts and shit got blown up. It was AMAZING and I kind of want to see it a million more times.

License to Wed

I know. This one is kind of embarrassing. But in my defense, it had lots of cameos by castmembers of The Office, and John Krasinski and Mandy Moore are both really pretty. I just wish someone would give her a decent movie role, because even though American Dreamz was underwatched and underrated, she really hasn't been in a good movie since Saved.

The thing I will say about this movie is it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I had prepared myself for ninety minutes of coke-fueled Robin Williams shtick, but was pleasantly surprised to see that the production crew had wisely invested in a tranq gun. While it did not stop him, it managed to keep him mostly restrained.

The characters were nothing more than Rom-Com archetypes and the plot was thinner than Nicole Richie, but it didn't make me want to kill myself, so I consider that to be a success.

But the poster still looks like the female reproductive system and that freaks me out.

Ratatouille

Eh. It's no Finding Nemo, but then again, what is? It was a good movie with incredible animation. Marveling at the way they rendered the rat's fur alone is worth the price of admission.

Here's my main problem with it: The whole point of the movie is to not judge a book by its cover, that we can be anything we want to be. That's all well and good, but I still do not, under any circumstances, want a rat in my kitchen.

Maybe I would have been more open to the story if I didn't live in New York, or even if I didn't see that episode of 30 Rock where they talk about the Rat King. But I do, and I did, so...no. I pretty much spent half of the movie shivering and trying not to vomit.

I also never want to eat in another restaurant again. Ever.

Poor George Michael

Seriously. Who doesn't miss Arrested Development? I know I do, which is why I love seeing the castmembers in other roles. In this (fake) video, Michael Cera pulls a Lily Tomlin and gets fired from Knocked Up.

Michael Cera gets fired from Knocked Up
Uploaded by TstarV

In other news, how creepy is it to think about George Michael getting Izzie pregnant?

Beauty and the beastly commercial

I love Kate Walsh. Like, love her. Ever since the stupid Izzie/George storyline, she's become my favorite character on Grey's Anatomy. Private Practice is probably going to suck, but I"ll watch it anyway--because she's awesome.

Kate's been having a great week too. In addition to Private Practice being picked up for fall, she got engaged. Things have been going well for her lately; which is why I have no explanation for this.

Seriously, go watch it. They wouldn't let me embed it, but it is well worth the click. Not only can I not explain why Kate Walsh is doing a literal soap opera, I just do not understand what it is in general. Please, someone explain it to me.

And the winner is...

I love trannies. Truly. I wish I had a cadre of tranny girlfriends. It would be just like Sex and the City except...well, actually it would be just like Sex and the City. Anyway, last night in New York, there was a tranny celebrity look-alike contest. Check out the Jessica Simpson entry. Pretty good, right?



Except this is actually a picture of Jessica Simpson at the MET Costume Institute Benefit Gala last night. Awkward.

A girl's gotta eat

About a decade ago, when I was just an impressionable teenager, I took a trip to D.C. with my brother, sister-in-law and baby niece. As I was sitting in the back seat on the way to Arlington National Cemetery, the baby started to cry. Quicker than lightning, my sister-in-law, who was in the passenger seat, sprang into action. She unbuckled her seatbelt, turned around in her seat, pulled out her left breast and stuck it in my niece's mouth--not eight inches from my shocked face. After seeing my horrified expression, she and my brother burst out laughing and made fun of my trauma for the rest of the day. The point of that story is this: For those people who are all shocked and outraged about Maggie Gyllenhaal breastfeeding her daughter in the park, YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW. For reals.


Celebrity Baby Blog

You can take the girl out of rehab...

...but you can't take the lonely, desperate coke-whore out of the girl.

On the scale of ridiculous celebrity charades, the fact that Lindsay Lohan does coke, like, constantly, is pretty freakin' high on the list. It's somewhere between Paris not realizing her license was suspended and John Travolta not sticking it to dudes in his trailer.

So when the screenshots of Lindsay doing coke in an LA bathroom surfaced, it was pretty much the least-surprising thing ever. So much so, that when I looked at the pictures, I had two thoughts: The first one was "ew, that girl let Lindsay stick her finger up her nose" and "ew, I won't even take my drink into a bathroom. People poo in there."

Unfortunately, we don't have the actual video yet, so in the mean time, here's a kicky montage to dance to at work.

Flavor of LIES!

I am shocked, awed and incredibly dismayed at this article that claims New York from Flavor of Love and I Love New York is a big, fat fraud.

For those of you who are stupid and don't watch these shows, Tiffany got rejected by Flav twice on his show, so she had her own spinoff to help her find a man. On her show, she's flanked by her mother, Miss Michelle, the angriest woman in the world. Now an "insider" is alleging that Miss Michelle isn't even New York's mom; that she's just some random actress.

The actress (and I use that term loosely) who plays "Mrs. Michelle", New York's mother, Leslie Bibbs, is not only of no relation to Simmons, but once stood in the same cattle call line with her at an open call for a B.E.T reality show.

Another amazing tidbit: Bibbs and Simmons are only 5 years apart in age.

Shenanigans! If this is true, this is like when I found out there was no Santa Claus. Or at least it would be, if I ever believed in Santa Claus. Which I never did. True story.